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dreamybanana
I wrote this for a marapet writing contest. What do you think?


Darkness

My lips as the line
Not one smile has kissed
By I've licked the blade
The taste of salt not iron

No more
ups and downs
Like the edge of a saw
Each new life line slashed
and I can't breath
no more

Is it your jealousy I stir?
No need for anguish
The light does not want me
Of that, I am sure
See these wings?
They were meant for darkness

And with the happiness
My cold soul static
It's throat exposed
Waiting
Vunerable and shallow
And I am on edge

I know
The silent agony of love
And I breathe
The cold exhale as broken
And now i ask-
Is it not enough
that my tears run scarlet?
Passionate
Lust your mistress could not comprehend
Which I 'choose' not to end

So here I am
in the path of darkness,
Already lost
by the time you read this.
dreamybanana0
dreamybanana2 Aug 20099comments
Comments (9)
  • Ahti 0 AhtiNot one of your best, don't really like the first two verses. I don't get what you mean by the lips as the line. The second one starts better, but the ending isn't kinda meh. Third verse is very good, don't think you really need that comma there though Fourth verse third line should be its I think It's a little bit too fragmentary for my liking, but it's not bad verse 5 is kinda long in comparison with the others, and bloody/scarlet tears are kinda clich??. If I were you I'd delete half on this verse and rewrite Last one is again pretty good.
  • dreamybanana 0 dreamybananaIt's the kind you either love or hate, I get that thx. Somehow I got good reviews on a writing site for it, and they never review, let alone good.
  • Wilkinsons1 0 Wilkinsons1I love this your awsome at writing poems and so am i but yours are so much better
  • dreamybanana 0 dreamybananaThanks. It nice to hear some good comments
  • melly000 0 melly000Cool your a writer? I'm gonna be one... I like your poem but parts of the first verse don't seem write.
  • hollychocc 0 hollychoccAwesome! The first verse doesn't go very well though.
  • 1squidward 0 1squidwardCool! I love it. I know The silent agony of love And I breathe The cold exhale as broken And now i ask- Is it not enough that my tears run scarlet? Passionate Lust your mistress could not comprehend Which I 'choose' not to end. That is my fave part but: My lips as the line Not one smile has kissed By I've licked the blade The taste of salt not iron I have to agree does not go very well but its still gr8.
  • dreamybanana 0 dreamybananaThanks. The first stanza is actualy to create the contrast of pace, and to introduce ideas of passion, depression, self harm (but emotional, as she tastes tears not iron, blood) It's actually my favourite, but a little complex. Prphaps you someone could explain the problem with it to me.
  • 0 1RedKolaremarkable. I love it, superb dreamy.
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