0 monkeygymnast1996I thought the writing was wonderful! The punctuation was a little too over used though. I thought there was too many ... but, that's just me. I would like to see more. 0 alex010I like it alot.
And yes its true you used "..." a little to much, but aside from that I liked it!
0 dreamybanana30.6.09
Updated
The punctuation should be fine now, I hope.
0 AhtiDefinitely an improvement!! Got some extra stuff to say, most of it are just suggestions
A man, young of spirit but old of age, turns in his bed, while his mind is filled with vivid images; a face, the tree, the rain thumping (on the??) soft earth. A girl standing (present tense sounds better in here, because the man sees the things happening in his mind) on the edge of a cliff, her heart racing, her mind trapped, isolated in despair. But it wasn???t for her ??? it was never for her. Yet the group stood, muddled with their motives, each saving breath pushed her closer to the edge. Except one. He calls out to her, keeping her from her borrowed fate. ..
It was not enough.
Her soul shattered with a final tear of despair, her body crumbled. Finally (depends what you wanna stress here, but the text flows better when the comma isn???t there) her mind broke from the torture when she hit the jagged rocks...
The man sat up to the moon, phasing from full to nothing as he broke away from his (dunno if this is grammatical but the slumber flows better) slumber, like he had done many times before. An icy breeze gently passed, softly billowing the curtains, bringing the fresh smell of the cold night into the room (don???t really know what the problem here is, but this line sounds odd, write some alternative structures, but keep the same content, then decide which one???s best) The moment stood still, leaving him alone with his thoughts, and the moment, forever (add ???and ever??? or some nice simile/metaphor to create more drama) repeating itself.
It was never meant for her, but that thought alone would not stop it from happening.
0 AnunYou're a really great writer! I would be very interested in reading the rest of 'Destina Park', if you've continued with it. 0 dreamybananaThanks everyone for your help. In the end I only sent it to one publisher before I realised this book was another practice before I write something I would be proud to have in print.
Thx so much, I may put it online if enough people say they would read it.
0 hollychoccreally good
