This is an ongoing collection of funny quotes I've collected. I've compiled them here in case anyone would like to use them in their siggy (signature). Newer ones are added to the top of the list to make it easier to find them.
-=-=- A slinky is like a person - not much use in many ways but puts a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs. (submitted by argon87) -=-=- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing it doesn't go in a fruit salad. (submitted by emzyem) -=-=- Why are we always doing things "for goodness's sake"? Who is Goodness? What did they ever do for us? (submitted by crazycat777) -=-=- If at first you don't succeed, failure might be your thing. (submitted by lavalamp321) -=-=- Life is hard. After all, it kills you. - Katharine Hepburn (submitted by LilyEvensPotter) -=-=- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean they all have to? (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- Love me or leave me. Hey! Where's everybody going?? (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- It takes both rain and sunshine to make a rainbow. (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- Why does mineral water "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year? (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- If you stole a pen from the bank is it classified as a bank robbery? (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer - then it hit me. (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- Roses are red, violets are blue. Who cares - so are crayons. (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- What do you call a female daddy long legs? (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- Last night I dreamed I ate a ten pound marshmallow and when I woke up the pillow was gone. (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- Unite against togetherness! (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- Quitting smoking is easy - I've done it a hundred times. (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- Excuse me, but I think my karma just ran over your dogma. (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- Your village called, their idiot is missing. (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- Girls/Guys are like lava lamps: good to look at, but not very bright. (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- It's not that I am anti-social. I just don't like you. (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister? (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- Now I understand why some animals eat their young! (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can diet. (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- If you need space join NASA! (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- Last night I was looking at the stars and I was wondering where the heck is my ceiling! (submitted by loveya1234) -=-=- Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate! (submitted by neomaraneomara) -=-=- There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. (submitted by tastymuffins) -=-=- Coffee isn't my cup of tea. (submitted by tastymuffins) -=-=- I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect! (submitted by tastymuffins) -=-=- He who laughs last didn't get the joke. (submitted by tastymuffins) -=-=- Never go to bed angry... stay up and plot your revenge. (submitted by giggles99) -=-=- When life gives you lemons, throw them back and say you want oranges. (submitted by giggles99) -=-=- If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, why try? (submitted by XxcatsxmaruxX) -=-=- I believe in free will - I have no choice. (submitted by Scooterb) -=-=- If I throw a stick will you go away? (submitted by lilaj378) -=-=- If a tree falls in a forest on a mime and no one is around, does he scream? (submitted by lilaj378) -=-=- I'm just a chocolate bar... sweet but half nuts! (submitted by lilaj378) -=-=- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? -=-=- Do not follow in my footsteps. I walk into walls. (submitted by Desmothsenes) -=-=- Being stupid isn't a bad thing, you're just overdoing it. (submitted by babygirl1721) -=-=- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? (submitted by timburtonlover15) -=-=- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? (submitted by timburtonlover15) -=-=- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? (submitted by timburtonlover15) -=-=- If olive oil is made of olives, then baby oil is made of... OMG! (submitted by 2fleas) -=-=- People who live in glass houses should dress in the basement. -=-=- You have the Midas touch - everything you touch turns to a muffler. -=-=- What was the greatest thing BEFORE sliced bread? -=-=- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? -=-=- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. -=-=- What's another word for thesaurus? -=-=- A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. -=-=- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? -=-=- I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. -=-=- All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy. -=-=- They told me I was gullible. And I believed them. -=-=- A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, First let me see the sandwich. -=-=- Experience is the one thing you have left when everything else is gone. -=-=- I had amnesia once. Or twice. -=-=- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. -=-=- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. -=-=- What if there were no hypothetical questions? -=-=- One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. -=-=- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. -=-=- How can there be self-help groups? -=-=- Is there another word for synonym? -=-=- Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? -=-=- Is it possible to be totally partial? -=-=- If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? -=-=- Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? -=-=- Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. -=-=- Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? -=-=- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. -=-=- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. -=-=- C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. -=-=- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. -=-=- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. -=-=- Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together. -=-=- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? -=-=- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. -=-=- Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate. -=-=- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. -=-=- Give me ambiguity or give me something else. -=-=- Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. -=-=- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? -=-=- How does Teflon stick to the pan? -=-=- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand. -=-=- I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you. -=-=- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. -=-=- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. -=-=- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. -=-=- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. -=-=- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -=-=- I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke. -=-=- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. -=-=- I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. -=-=- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. -=-=- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. -=-=- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? -=-=- If you lend someone 20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. -=-=- If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. -=-=- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. -=-=- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. -=-=- No one is listening until you make a mistake. -=-=- Save the whales. Collect the whole set. -=-=- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. -=-=- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. -=-=- The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. -=-=- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. -=-=- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. -=-=- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. -=-=- There's too much blood in my caffeine system. -=-=- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. -=-=- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart? -=-=- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? -=-=- What's the speed of dark? -=-=- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? -=-=- Why is abbreviation such a long word? -=-=- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? -=-=- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you. -=-=- You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you! -=-=- My goal in life is to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am. -=-=- To err is human; to moo, bovine. -=-=- I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle. -=-=- Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you're interrupting. -=-=-
She's gotta do what she's gotta do And I've gotta like it or not She's got dreams too big for this town And she needs to give 'em a shot Whatever they are
Looks like she's all ready to leave Nothing left to pack There ain't no room for me in that car Even if she asked me to tag along God I gotta be strong
She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life As ready as she's ever been Got the hunger and the stars in her eyes The prize is hers to win She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road Baby get ready Get set Don't go
She says things are fallen into place Feels like they're fallen apart I painted this big ol' smile on my face To hide my broken heart If only she knew This is where I don't say what I want so bad to say This is where I want to but I won't get in the way Of her and her dreams And spreadin' her wings
She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life As ready as she's ever been Got the hunger and the stars in her eyes The prize is hers to win She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road Baby get ready Get set Don't go
She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life As ready as she's ever been Got the hunger and the stars in her eyes The prize is hers to win She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road Baby get ready Get set Please don't go
Don't go Don't go She's gotta do what she's gotta do She's gotta do what she's gotta do
Love is a powerful emotion But he didn???t deserve you; he gave you no devotion He cheated on you yet you gave him another chance And yet you keep falling for the same old song and dance It???s about time you witnessed true romance
Ok it???s time for you to learn what true love is You will see it???s nothing like his Because his love was all show biz It was all an act That???s a fact He only thought of you as a possession So stop your obsession Try to think of one of his good traits; Bet you found none Let the relationship end, let it be done, Just walk away; better yet run And it ain???t too late Just find another guy Go on a date He could just end up being your soul mate And that???s true, I would never lie When you find true love, it feels like you can fly Like your high in the sky, floating on cloud nine If you never felt like this before I don???t think you should date him anymore
Love is always timeless You can???t change this But this is no time to reminisce about your first kiss It???s time to move on, no matter how hard it seems I know it felt like it was all dreams And now it feels like one big nightmare But you can???t have fear, Just think of all the cheer And you will persevere Through these hard times N I???ll do what I can wit my rhymes So just forget about him I know things might seem grim But your future is bright So girl just shine like the sunlight N everything will be alright So just go out and have fun tonight And you just might find Mr. Right
Love is a powerful emotion But he didn???t deserve you; he gave you no devotion He cheated on you yet you gave him another chance And yet you keep falling for the same old song and dance It???s about time you witnessed true romance
Love is always timeless And I have to confess Your beauty is greater than words can express So stop dating those shallow guys You know the ones that only feed you lies If you want to find the right type of guys, just stare into their eyes This way you can find a winner, because he won a great prize; Your affection, and there is no such thing as perfection But when you???re in love it feels like perfection exists I hope you find that special guy to fill your heart with love and bliss
Love is a powerful emotion But he didn???t deserve you; he gave you no devotion He cheated on you yet you gave him another chance And yet you keep falling for the same old song and dance It???s about time you witnessed true romance
And I always had a thing for you But I was always afraid to pursue???. my dreams And so I took it to these extremes I hope you find it in your heart to give me a chance Just one little dance Because every time I see you; you leave me in a trance, And you never know, we could be soul mates So all I???m asking for is one date
Now, this is freaky...DO NOT CHEAT (You'll will kick yourself later) I was a little skeptical trying this, but if you follow the instructions to the "t" you'll be surprised!!!!
All of my answers were accurate and it was very surprising to see the outcome. We'll see tomorrow if the wish comes true.I'll let you know. Take 3 minutes and try this...it will freak you out! The person who sent it to me said her wish came true 10 minutes after they read the mail. BUT NO CHEATING! This game has a funny/spooky outcome.
Don't read ahead...just do it in order! It takes about three minutes...it's worth a try
First..get a pen and paper. When you actually choose names, make sure it's people you actually know and go with your first instinct.
Scroll down one line at a time...and don't read ahead or you'll ruin it!
1. First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.
2. Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write down any two numbers you want.
2 and 17.
3. Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex.
Petar P and Dimitri
NO LOOKING AHEAD...OR IT WON"T TURN OUT RIGHT!
4. Write anyone's name (like friends or family....) in the 4th, 5th,and 6th spots.
4th, Stefan, 6th, Jenna, 6th, Sandra.
5. Write down four song titles in 8,9,10, and 11.
8, we will rock you, 9, Viva la Vida, 10, Crush, 11 is Time of My life
GO WITH YOUR INSTINCT PEOPLE!!!!
6. Finally, make a wish.
*************************
And now the key for the game.....
1. You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game.
2. The person in space 3 is the one that you love.
3. The person in 7 is one you like but can't work out.
4. You care most about the person you put in 4
5. The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well.
6. The person you name in 6 is your lucky star.
7. The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3.
8. The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.
9. The tenth space is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
10. and 11 is the song telling you how you feel about life
NOW...put this on yourr syt within the hour you read this...IF you do..your wish will come true. If you don't it will become the opposite !!!!
We were both young when I first saw you I close my eyes And the flashback starts I\\\'m standing there On a balcony in summer air
See the lights See the party, the ball gowns I see you make your way through the crowd And say hello, little did I know
That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles And my daddy said stay away from Juliet And I was crying on the staircase Begging you please don\\\'t go, and I said
Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone I\\\'ll be waiting all there\\\'s left to do is run You\\\'ll be the prince and I\\\'ll be the princess It\\\'s a love story baby just say yes
So I sneak out to the garden to see you We keep quiet \\\'cause we\\\'re dead if they knew So close your eyes Escape this town for a little while
\\\'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter And my daddy said stay away from Juliet But you were everything to me I was begging you please don\\\'t go and I said
Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone I\\\'ll be waiting all there\\\'s left to do is run You\\\'ll be the prince and I\\\'ll be the princess It\\\'s a love story baby just say yes
Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel This love is difficult, but it\\\'s real Don\\\'t be afraid, we\\\'ll make it out of this mess It\\\'s a love story baby just say yes Oh oh
I got tired of waiting Wondering if you were ever coming around My faith in you is fading When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said
Romeo save me I\\\'ve been feeling so alone I keep waiting for you but you never come Is this in my head? I don\\\'t know what to think He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring
And said, marry me Juliet You\\\'ll never have to be alone I love you and that\\\'s all I really know I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress It\\\'s a love story baby just say yes
Oh, oh, oh, oh \\\'Cause we were both young when I first saw you.
